Expert Tips on Talking with Your Kids About Sex and Porn
Are you nervous or hesitant to talk with your child about sexual health? Getting started can be the most challenging — and important — part. Experts say having age-appropriate conversations sooner rather than later can help strengthen family relationships and protect kids from the harms of online pornography.
It’s also important to know you’re not alone in being reluctant about these conversations — a common feeling underscored by sex education experts Amy Lang, Founder of Birds and Bees and Kids, and Kerri Isham, Founder of Power Up Education, during a recent Culture Reframed webinar, “Preventing Sexual Assault with Sex Education.” They note that parents should realize that age-appropriate sexual education can help children develop self-confidence to navigate today’s digital-dominant society, where it’s not a matter of if a child will be exposed to pornography but when.
Lang said an honest approach can help parents when they start talking with children about sexual health. “One of the things that I tell parents to do is just to call it out and say, ‘I do not know what I’m doing. I’m probably going to be awkward and weird and uncomfortable. But this is important for your health and safety and future.’”
Isham said normalizing conversations about sex can help prepare children for what they encounter online. “In an ideal world, this is talked about at school, at home, on the soccer field, by the grandparents, by the aunts and uncles, as a protective tool,” she said. “Kids are online so prolifically. … We have to do a lot of combating of what they’re hearing and seeing to give them accurate, up-to-date facts.”
In the Q&A below, Lang and Isham, as well as Culture Reframed’s Dr. Mandy Sanchez, offer ideas and resources in response to questions posed by parents and caregivers during the webinar. Find more guidance and resources in Culture Reframed’s free courses for parents.
Navigating Sexual Health Education
How do you approach the subject of sex and puberty with a 12-year-old boy who doesn’t want to engage with you on the subject?
Kerri Isham: Try a few approaches. Take some books from the library and leave them around the house. Share the website amaze.org with your son. Make a Q&A drop box in the house. Answer questions once per week. Buy your son a journal. He can write questions in it, and you can write back to him without face-to-face interactions. The car is a great place to discuss tough conversations because there is no eye contact.
Amy Lang: Use the world around you to “casually” bring up different topics. For example, you’re watching a show together, and you like the interaction between partners. Mention it and (briefly) explain why. Tell them you need to talk with them about something related to sexuality; they don’t have to respond to you, and set your timer for about two minutes. Say what you need to say and leave it at that. Keep it short — practicing what you want to say before you say it helps a ton.
How do I navigate dealing with others who don’t educate their children about sexual health? What if my child tells another child that babies are made when the penis enters the vagina and the other child’s parent is upset with me?
AL: First of all, you need to be really clear about why you educate your kids, because you may need to justify it to an upset parent. For example, you can tell them you want to be your kids’ first sex educator; kids are exposed to this at increasingly earlier ages, and you want to get ahead of it, and studies show talking openly keeps kids safer from abuse. Often, this will help the other parent calm down as you educate them.
KI: Misinformation is more common than facts. Let your child know that your conversations about body science are not secret but private.
How do you encourage support for the reversal effect, where this wasn’t a culture you were taught and came from, then having to introduce it downwards to children or younger generations, fighting your own discomfort or gut reactions to language?
KI: Honestly, practice, practice, practice! Read books, watch videos. Talk about it often, and it will get easier. You are doing this for your grandchildren and their children. Eliminate the silence and taboo.
AL: Tell them what you said here: You weren’t taught this as a child, and in your culture, it was taboo/ignored/denied. Then, tell them that you feel uncomfortable because of this, but want better for them because you know how important it is to have this information. You can also acknowledge that you may be awkward as you are learning, too. Then, as Kerri said, go for it! It gets easier and easier.
How do you navigate sex education after child sexual abuse has occurred?
KI: Slow and steady. A book I recommend is Big Feelings Come and Go. It teaches kids about the amygdala part of their brain and gives suggestions on how to deal with these big feelings. This book comes in many different languages. See if your city has a sexual abuse intervention program, art or play therapy, or a certified sexual health educator who is trauma-informed.
AL: Appropriate therapy is key. If the child has completed it, you may want to have someone on “stand-by” just in case the information is triggering for them. Oftentimes, as kids who were abused enter puberty or start to have sexual feelings, they can experience some anxiety; therapy at this time is very important. Go slow, for sure. Starting with books that are for kids younger than they are can be a good way to get the education started. Robie Harris and Michael Emberly’s sex ed books are terrific. You should also keep the communication very short and simple. Maybe only read a few pages of the book at a time. Finding a therapist or going to your local CAC (Canada) or Child Advocacy Center (US) is crucial.
How does having twins change any info today? My oldest twin has Autism and I/DD. My ultimate goal is to protect BOTH my kids. How do parents know how to adjust information when there are developmental differences among children?
AL: They both need the same information, but the delivery style may be different for each kid. Your younger twin may not want to talk about this stuff with his sibling (or anyone else) around, and your oldest may be willing to talk about it all day, every day. With neurodivergent kids, it’s important to remember they have the same right to this information as any other child, especially because they are more vulnerable to abuse and having accidental incidents (blurting, inappropriate touching, etc). When you communicate with him, you will probably need to be slower than with his sibling and repeat yourself.
KI: I would teach them both the same material. Then, they would have each other to talk to about it as well. Visuals, videos, activities, role-play, etc., are key.
How do I approach the choice of gender issues with my son?
KI: It can depend on the child’s age. Most kids, when questioning their gender identity, may want to change their haircut and clothes. I would support these choices. If needed, make an appointment with your family doctor if you have one.
AL: It can be really confusing when a kiddo tells you they are a different gender than the one you’ve always known them to be. Like Kerri says, they may dress differently, change their hair, and even their name. We have learned so much about gender and sexual orientation in the last 15 years or so; this is considered to be a natural part of sexual development. You may not understand or agree with their choice. It’s hard for a lot of people to understand how someone wouldn’t feel good or connected to their gender because you probably do! Your responsibility is to be 100% supportive as they explore this part of themselves. The suicide rate among LGBTQ+ kids is four times higher than that of the general population. The primary thing that keeps them on par with their peers is parental support. If you are struggling with this, PFLAG has a ton of support and resources.
Concerning Behaviors
Can you address whether this is concerning behavior: 11-year-olds (sixth-graders) using (what seems to me like too mature) sexual slang in a group chat? (Examples: joking about ‘cumming’ instead of coming, and making a joke about ‘edging.’) I was alarmed seeing it, but maybe it’s normal?
KI: This is common in that age group but needs to be addressed. Kids need to understand that this is unwanted behaviour. It is sexual harassment. This will be passed off as a joke, and it is not funny. We need to talk to kids about this.
AL: It’s definitely concerning behavior, but as Kerri says, it’s common. This is a direct result of the influence of pornography. Kids have all kinds of language like this now, but most of us never heard it until we were adults. They need porn education from a young age so you can talk with them openly about why this sort of sexual joking is a big problem. Get excellent help with the porn talks in Culture Reframed’s free Parents Programs.
Do you think it’s OK for a 4-year-old child to be running around nude at home when you have guests over? How do you explain to them that being nude with family is OK, but not when we have guests?
AL: Four-year-olds don’t really understand the difference between public and private, so they are happy to run around naked in front of anyone. A good rule of thumb is “naked time is family time.” This means that when guests are over, clothes are on (or at least a bathing suit or underpants). You can explain that some people are uncomfortable when they see naked people, so clothes need to be on.
KI: This behaviour is common at this age. We need to reinforce the difference between private and public places and behaviours. Talk about how people might feel if they see a nude person they are visiting (uncomfortable, embarrassed, etc.). This poster about understanding people’s emotions can be ordered for free.
Having never watched porn, what abnormal behaviors occur in porn that I would need to watch out for to warn my children that it is not normal?
AL: It’s important that you consistently talk about healthy, consensual, pleasurable sex because it will give them a healthy perspective about sexuality and relationships. When they are exposed to porn they will have a context from the point of health rather than what they will learn from porn. Kids think this is how people “do sex” and incorporate what they see into their sexual exploration. They also compare their bodies to porn actors’ bodies. We need to have a full understanding of what kids are exposed to.
Mandy Sanchez: Pornography normalizes sexual harm by portraying a lack of empathy and an emotional relationship between consenting partners, risky sexual behaviors (including unprotected sex), and violence. Studies show that kids exposed to porn will mimic or act out sexually aggressive behaviors (including coercion, name-calling, strangulation, filming or taking pictures). The National Center on the Sexual Behavior of Youth offers excellent information and resources for parents and caregivers on sexual development — you can find it here.
Recommended Resources
Books for supplemental sexual education:
- Power Up’s Grades 4-7 Resource List (for ages 8-13)
- Birds+Bees+Kids List (all ages)
Parental controls:
Sites for terminology:
- Urban Dictionary
- Power Up’s Grades 4-7 Resource List (Ages 8-13)
- Power Up’s High School Resource List (Ages 13+)
Find more resources for guiding conversations with kids in Culture Reframed’s free Parents Programs.
