Parents Asked, We Answered: Your Most Pressing Questions About Pornography and Youth (Part 1)

Early exposure to pornography has become almost unavoidable. Young people are accessing it without even trying, and it’s having a major effect on their developing minds. It’s no wonder that parents, caregivers, and the professionals who support them feel concerned, overwhelmed, and unsure of how to help.

Understanding the issue of pornography and young people — and the prevalent public health crisis — is a good place to start. Young people are navigating a pornified world largely on their own. They need trusted adults to guide them. “Parents can understandably feel helpless to act in this pervasive hypersexualized, pornified culture,” said Dr. Mandy Sanchez, Director of Programming at Culture Reframed. “But the truth is, they’re perfectly positioned to offer their kids alternative, healthy messages about sex and relationships.”

We invited parents, caregivers, and professionals to send our team of experts questions about how to parent in a pornified world. The questions address common situations that parents face — from what to do if you know your young person has been exposed to pornography to how to talk to kids about pornography without shame. In the first part of our series, Culture Reframed’s Founder, Dr. Gail Dines, and Dr. Sanchez share evidence-informed answers to these questions, offering practical guidance, examples, and resources to educate and offer support around this critical issue.

Do you have a question for Culture Reframed? Submit it here!

“My child saw pornography. What do I do now?”

How do you recommend talking about porn with an 11-year-old whose search history shows sexually explicit/inappropriate sexual content?

Dr. Mandy Sanchez: First, it is important to stay calm and don’t panic! We suggest having this conversation when you’re alone with your young person and engaged in a simple activity where you don’t have direct eye contact (i.e., driving in a car, going for a walk, doing the dishes), with a time limit. Be honest about the discomfort and without getting upset or angry. Start by saying something like, “I want to talk with you about when you were looking at nudes/pornography the other night.” Reassure them that they are not in trouble. Ask how they found it and why they were searching for it.  Ask: “When you saw it, how did it make you feel?” Discuss those feelings. Gently communicate that porn is not a good way to learn about sex, as it is neither educational nor realistic. Ask your young person if they have questions and do your best to answer them honestly, but briefly, in a no-shame/no-blame, judgment-free way (our free courses provide tons of great information). Remember to circle back and have regular, ongoing conversations.

What do you do if your young person is exposed to porn and you want to talk to him/her about it without shaming them and without creating this taboo around sexuality?

Dr. Gail Dines: The most important tip is to make sure you don’t shame or blame your young person. They will be mortified that you caught them looking at porn, so you need to lower the shame level. We suggest that if you find your young person watching porn, it is best not to have the conversation at that time. Rather, set a time with your young person to talk within the next two days. Ask your young person how they feel about the images they saw and if they are confused by them. Listen carefully to their response and ask questions in a gentle manner. Our Parents Programs have a lot of information about how to manage the conversation in a way that invites your young person to express themselves, while also guiding the conversation about how porn is not real and carefully choreographed. Discuss sex in terms of consent, connection, and respect for people’s boundaries.

Understanding Vulnerability and Setting Boundaries

At what ages are children most vulnerable to encountering pornography, and how can parents set healthy boundaries without causing shame or secrecy?

GD: All young people, irrespective of age, are affected by porn, but early adolescence is an especially vulnerable time because they are developing their sexual identity and sexual template. In addition, their brains are making new neural pathways at a rapid rate, so the porn images are especially potent. Discuss with your young person what your family values are, and explain that this is not the way we treat people. If it is age-appropriate, talk about the way that healthy sex differs from sex depicted in pornography. These include topics mentioned above: consent, connection, and respect for people’s boundaries.

How can parents set boundaries within this topic without shaming their children and creating secrecy?

MS: Ultimately, our number-one job as parents and caregivers is to keep our young people safe, and setting boundaries is key. Remind tweens and teens that setting and maintaining boundaries is about safety, not trust. Kids crave connection, and boundary-setting — along with providing empathy and validation — is crucial and an important way to decrease shame. Set some ‘house rules’ regarding technology and digital spaces, and discuss these with your young person to determine where it is OK (and not OK) to use devices, establish time limits, and apply app restrictions, etc. We suggest avoiding the use of smart devices in bedrooms and bathrooms, and gaming with doors open and without headphones.

Allow space for kiddos to have some choice by engaging them as problem solvers and planners. Try to implement boundaries within routines (i.e., every night, we all shut down our tech at 9 p.m.). Although it may be tough, we strongly recommend utilizing the “when, then” approach versus the punishment approach, where instead of taking away privileges and delivering consequences, you state the expectation and deliver the reward (i.e., when you finish your homework, you can play the game; when you can demonstrate you can follow these expectations, you can have access to the app). Finally, we recommend having conversations about why you are creating these boundaries and using this space as a means to continue age-appropriate conversations about the harms of pornography and the importance of learning to be digitally literate.

Practical Tools Parents Can Use at Home

How should parents prepare for conversations about pornography and online safety? What is one practical change they can implement at home after learning about this?

MS: The most important recommendation we have about preparing for conversations about pornography and digital safety is to stay calm and educate yourself first. We are here to support you, and you are not alone. One practical change you can implement right now: START TALKING! It is never too early or too late to begin developmentally-appropriate conversations with your young person. Use what’s already around you. Everyday media — music, commercials, billboards, television, movies, sports — can spark a moment that opens the door to conversation. Something as simple as “What do you think about this?” or “How does that make you feel when you see that?” can get it started, activates reflection, and provides a safe space for future discussions. It establishes you as interested, empathetic, validating, trusted, expert, and safe — the one they know they can turn to when they have questions, instead of the internet.

It is never too early or too late to begin developmentally-appropriate conversations with your young person.

What are some of the ways parents can monitor what their children are viewing on their phones? Does going through your child’s phone work if you do it respectfully?

GD: Yes! Most likely, the phone was bought by parents/caregivers, so the phone actually belongs to them. Before you give your young person a phone, have robust conversations about the harms of pornography and hypersexualized media, and together, agree upon rules and restrictions around what content can and cannot be accessed on the phone. Be clear about why you are setting limits. Parents/caregivers should always know their young person’s password and let them know that this is not for snooping, but to keep them safe. Let them know that you will be checking their phone regularly, and that if you see private conversations with friends that are not pornographic, you will stop reading the messages.

How to Handle Exposure Outside the Home

How do you prepare for and prevent your kids from seeing porn at a friend’s house?

GD: This is a tricky question because you can’t be with your young person all the time, and neither does your young person want you following them around. They need to separate from you to develop into a healthy, autonomous adult, yet the porn industry is more interested in targeting your young person to get them hooked on porn from an early age. We suggest starting to scaffold developmentally-appropriate information from a young age. Talking about bodily privacy and discussing how to adopt media literacy skills provides resilience when they first see porn. Explaining that the images they see in pornography are carefully choreographed and do not reflect ‘real’ sex opens up a conversation about what constitutes healthy sexuality, with a specific focus on connection, intimacy, and consent.

The porn industry is more interested in targeting your young person to get them hooked on porn from an early age. We suggest starting to scaffold developmentally-appropriate information from a young age.

If it is possible, ask the friend’s parents if their young person has access to porn and is given free rein, rather than an app that limits their access. If the former, then explain to the parents why you don’t want your young person to see porn, and the apps you use to limit access. This is an opportunity to educate the parents about the harms of porn, and the goal is to get the parents to be on the same page with you.

Often, your young person will not disclose that they have seen porn, either because they are ashamed or confused about what they have seen. Gently ask if they saw anything that bothered them or made them feel uncomfortable, and let your young person lead the discussion. They may need some help explaining what they saw because they have not developed a vocabulary.

To initiate these conversations, check out our guide, “Talking with Young People About Porn.”

Is homeschooling the only way to protect a 10-year-old from being exposed to pornography at school when smartphones are not banned?

MS: While it is tempting to want to bubblewrap our kiddos, we want to be completely honest: We cannot totally protect them against most things in life — and unfortunately, that’s also the case with mainstream, online pornography. The vast majority of young people, at some point in their lives, will see it. Advertising, music, TV, movies, social media, and gaming constantly bombard kids with skewed versions of bodies, sex, and relationships. Parents can understandably feel helpless to act in this pervasive hypersexualized, pornified culture. But the truth is, they’re perfectly positioned to offer their kids alternative, healthy messages about sex and relationships. Culture Reframed courses teach parents and caregivers how to have guided, open conversations with young people to help them build resilience and resistance to hypersexualized media and porn.

All young people, at some point in their lives, will see it.

Having the Conversation with Older Teens

What is the best way to guide an older teen’s understanding of porn consumption when it’s clear they will consume it, but is open to thoughtful and open-minded conversation about nuance?

MS: As always, your approach to these conversations depends on the age and developmental stage of your teen, as well as if you have scaffolded discussions about bodies, sex, and pornography first, by having open, honest, and medically accurate talks about puberty, gender, sexuality, body image, body safety, consent, etc. We recommend educating yourself first, staying calm, and approaching these conversations without shame, blame, or judgment, with confidence and scientific data, rather than scare tactics and punishments. Sexual curiosity is a healthy part of adolescent development, but pornography is not a healthy way to learn about bodies and sex. Be sure to emphasize the harms of pornography, just like how you would explain the harms of texting and driving and the harmful effects of drug use. Use this as an opportunity to meet older teens where they are through empathetic listening and to engage in thoughtful dialogue about the pressures, risks, and outcomes of their choices so they are better positioned to make informed decisions that lead to healthier, safer relationships.

Sexual curiosity is a healthy part of adolescent development, but pornography is not a healthy way to learn about bodies and sex.

Policy, Privacy, and Culture

Regarding age verification, how can we address the issue of children using parents’ or older peers’ IDs, and what privacy concerns should be considered?

GD: Studies show that getting around the Age Verification (AV) laws is not easy. AVs that rely on facial recognition software often catch discrepancies between a young person’s face and a parent’s or older peer’s face. Also, the porn industry argues that young people will get a Virtual Private Network (VPN) to bypass the restrictions. In reality, a VPN is not so easy to obtain, and some porn sites are increasingly clamping down on VPNs and will not allow people with a VPN access to their site. The privacy issue is also bogus because the porn industry passes on data of the user, thus undermining privacy. Studies show that, of all online industries, porn is the worst offender of leaking data to other sites. Anyone who is concerned with privacy should not be using porn because the likelihood is that this data will not stay private.

No one is completely immune from our hypersexualized culture.

The song “Gnarly” by Katseye is popular in my 10-year-old daughter’s class. How do I begin to address the fact that she will absorb this type of hypersexualized pop culture by osmosis?

MS: Without commenting on this song specifically, no one is completely immune from our hypersexualized culture, including suggestive song lyrics, clothing, dancing, etc. Exposure is just one part of the issue; it’s what kids do with these messages — how they absorb them, compare themselves to them, and interpret them — that shapes their developing ideas about identity, sexuality, and relationships (read more about the effects of porn on youth here). Hypersexualized culture can make young people feel like their worth depends on appearance more than anything else. Research links this exposure to increased body comparison and self-objectification, especially for girls. It’s important to teach young people the difference between expressing age-appropriate healthy sexuality and being sexualized, and to point out ways they can develop their sense of self without focusing on material things or their appearance. They should learn early and often that, above all, their sexuality is theirs. It is something they create themselves and shouldn’t be “described in one word” or emulated from a viral song.

Together, we can drive awareness, educate adults about the issues, and promote healthy conversations with young people to help them build resilience to pornography.

Culture Reframed’s collection of free resources addresses many of the concerns in the questions we received. It’s important to know that you are not alone — you are part of a community of caregivers who share the same concerns and fears that you do. Together, we can drive awareness, educate adults about the issues, and promote healthy conversations with young people to help them build resilience to pornography. Our age-based and developmentally appropriate programs for Parents of Teens and Tweens offer best-practice toolkits that provide a science-backed framework to support gentle, safe conversations with young people about healthy relationships.