Mental Health
Married women’s response to spousal pornography use: A grounded theory
Open Access: No.
Abstract
Empirical research suggests that married women may more commonly experience spousal pornography use as a relational attachment threat and are more likely to experience negative relational outcomes such as distress and loss of trust. The purpose of this study was to develop a grounded theory of married women’s response to the discovery or disclosure of spousal pornography use. This study included the experiences of 30 married women who reported spousal pornography use as a threat to relational attachment, who chose to remain with their spouse, and who reported evidence of individual and relational healing thereafter. The research question, “How do married women describe the experience of learning of their spouse’s pornography use and the individual and relationship sequelae that follow?” was explored using grounded theory methods to analyze deidentified blogpost accounts emphasizing response to a spouse’s pornography use. The results describe a process model highlighting three interrelated informant categories—emotional response, mental response, and physical response—and one resultant category—behavioral response. Implications include (a) the importance of open communication regarding pornography use within relationships, (b) the necessity for individual and relational healing following betrayal trauma, and (c) the role of therapeutic intervention in shaping adaptive healing processes.
Relevance
The discovery of a male spouse’s pornography use resulted in a threat response system in which emotional, mental, and physical responses gave rise to behavioral responses.
Emotional response: deep pain and hurt from betrayal; feeling rejected and replaced by pornography; “heartbroken,” “wrecked,” and “devastated”; declining self-esteem and self-worth; grieving the loss of the relationship and what it could have been; loss of emotional security; decreased trust; feeling unsafe and insecure with their husbands; feeling angry; sense of being alone; fear of losing their husband; resentment; difficulty forgiving; emotionally overwhelmed.
Mental response: questioning their beliefs; feeling at a loss of what to do; trying to make sense of the discord between the new reality and what they thought about their relationship, husband, and self; wondering if the whole relationship was a lie; wondering what else their husband has lied about; the new revelation of his pornography use helped piece together into a coherent picture other confusing and problematic dynamics in the relationship; desire to escape; wanting to leave the relationship (yet all decided to remain); not speaking of it to anybody; cognitive rumination; anxiety; blaming themselves (e.g., for not being prettier, skinnier, sexier, etc.); declining mental health, especially depression and anxiety.
Physical response: crying, upset stomach, difficulty breathing, exhaustion, vomiting, inability to sleep; etc.
Behavioral response: trying to re-gain control, stability, empowerment; policing their husband’s behavior, especially online; trying to pressure, demand, coerce her husband into no longer viewing pornography; seeking external support; seeking information on addiction, pornography, the husband’s viewing habits; seeking help from private religious devotions; not feeling able to approach friends, clergy, family members due to shame; setting new and explicit boundaries, including physical boundaries (e.g., separate bedrooms, sexual abstinence); efforts to conceal the issue from others out of shame; fawning over their husband, and changing her own appearance, to ensure that his pornography use was not (as she saw it) her fault; writing about the betrayal and situation anonymously on blogs.
The study also made specific suggestions to therapists and other clinicians on how to better assist women undergoing “attachment healing” from a spouse’s pornography use.
Citation
